fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
