I murdered the dance floor call the cops
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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