my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
