In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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