see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
