Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
