He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
