you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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