The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
