my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
