Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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