I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
