HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
soo... how was my night?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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