What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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