Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
