Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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