4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
