I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
