bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
