How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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