i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
