apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
