You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize