6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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