u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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