She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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