I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
farters have to be the big spoon...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
