Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
