I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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