she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
