please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Barsexuality is the new black.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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