hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
