I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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