paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
