my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
