I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
