you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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