my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
