I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Randomize
