i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
