does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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