the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
