shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
