I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
