Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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