my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
