Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
