I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
