I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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