I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
