Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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