No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
