this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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